Tell me I need to leave. Tell me you’re no good for me.
Tell me that you’re married, and we could never be.
Why do I keep doing this? I blame myself for this weakness…
But, I blame you, too.
I’m so desperate to be loved I settle for scraps from someone else’s meal.
So, what am I to you? Why do this to me?
You know I’m falling for you with each bite I take. :”?
I may be a delightful fantasy for you,
But, I’m a real girl, with real feelings.
It’s not fair, and yet I drink this poison voluntarily.
I ask myself if the man I want would be taken from another woman?
Would the man I want be led astray by me?
They’re using me and I swallow the bullshit willingly.
Where is my self-resect? - My King would never fall for this mockery of me.
Straighten your crown, my Love, walk like a Queen.
I’m in a weird place today. In recent years I have been single, and dating/relationships are a key point in our lives which mirror and reflect our own perceptions of self and our value. How we behave in relationship reflects how we feel about ourselves. So… today I am looking forward to plans this week. I have an out-of-town date. At first glance this seems promising but, in reality, I’m simply repeating a pattern of tolerating scraps from unavailable men because it feels better than not eating at all. Therein lies the rub. I’m willingly engaging in emotional and physical activity that causes me pain because a man is paying attention to me. WHY?
I heard a quote from the artist, PINK, to the effect that when one finally samples respect, it tastes better than attention. I’ve been noticing these negative patterns in my life and begun to make changes. It happens to have been many months since I’ve been on a date, been touched by someone, even longer since someone who cares about me has handled my body. I feel like this is my motivation for this date next week. I feel deprived and so I am tolerating the scraps from someone else’s meal for a sample of connection and intimacy.
I find I am looking forward to meeting with this man because I do like him, we do have a connection, and I know I will have fun. I also know this man can meet none of my relationship needs, gives me very little interaction when we aren’t physically together, and it’s costing me a lot emotionally to tolerate this treatment. Listen to that – tolerate this treatment. I am tolerating this treatment so this man may treat me just like every other guy who likes me and wants to fuck me, but doesn’t want a relationship with me and doesn’t want to change anything about the way he lives to have me in his life. Well, ain’t that some shit.
I am a responsibility. I am something to care for. I am woman. I am not CIS woman, FFS. I have a portal of life within me. I may create life. I may extinguish life. I take what I am given and I make it better. I take what I am given and I grow and multiply it. I am not an accessory to life, I am someone to build life with. I am someone who will impress your boss, be adored by your mothers, and with worship your cock. So why am I in all my magical glory going on a date with a married man? Because I am human just like everyone else and genuine connections are sometimes difficult to find. Although I know this source isn’t a long-term connection, this man moves my soul.
Alas. I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to settle for these shenanigans when I could be building a beautiful life with someone who wants to give me more. I want a partner. A helpmate. A best friend. A lover. I want the whole damn thing and I want what is mine. No scraps which have been picked over. No leftovers. No half ass love. I need to break my own heart and tell this man goodbye for good. I need to create space for my future husband and guard against all who would use me to fill a void in their otherwise happy or fulfilling lives. I am worth so much more.
I wish I could say it was the last time I would have a conversation like this with myself. Unfortunately, I am learning lessons as an adult which we ideally instill into the lives of our children as we raise and guide them to healthy maturity. Without this love and guidance as children, we don’t learn our inherent value and begin to try to find value as we engage with the world at large. Add to this all the challenging social constructs of 2023, the false values being thrown around, the unhealed and escapist culture and we have everyone simply, “doing what feels good.” I’m a fan of pursuing how I feel. I believe how I feel is the most important element my navigating this human existence. Please see above – I know I will have fun and feel good with my upcoming date. I also know I don’t feel good in the interim as I’m being ignored, being a secret, unable to call and share my day or troubles… so, in reality, my engaging with this man doesn’t actually feel good. I’m going to get some dopamine for a couple days, but how much cortisol have I been ingesting with all these little snubs and rubs?
What am I being offered in the long term? What am I being offered at all? Some sex? Awesome. News flash, I’m attractive and meet the physical standards of many men and because men are visual and physical most want to have sex with me. What’s in it for me? Where is my emotional support? Where is my cuddle buddy? Where is my best friend? If I wanted to get laid it would not take me too much effort to do so. In that case, why would I engage in sexual activity that also comes with a cost? Aside from the obvious cost of sharing my body with someone who doesn’t give a shit about my soul?
I’ve decided I no longer want to share my body with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with me. There is a time and place for physicality, and I do not begrudge sexual encounters, but my poor little magical soul doesn’t want to share my energy in such superficial way any longer. There is so much power in sexual congress. There is so much healing possible in relationship. I’ve decided I want to pursue relationship, not simply connection. Connections are beautiful, but I now want something bigger, something more meaningful, something which will help me grow and evolve and manifest my best life.
I am not, “too much.” I am not going 50/50 with you. I am woman. I am the fluid which moves, nourishes, and hydrates, while man is the container which secures and holds and protects. If you don’t want to play Man, do not approach this Woman. I’ll live with Dad forever before I lose myself again. I may not have much to show for nearly 38 years, but I’m above ground and that’s fucking impressive. We play the cards this life deals us.
“Every day above ground is a good day.”