Musings of loneliness ...

This is just the beginning.

Loneliness

There is a deep loneliness in me. The further along I progress in my healing journey, it seems the more loneliness I experience. It is an isolating feeling. There is a pit in my stomach. I heard an acronym recently – H.A.L.T. When one feels out of sorts, halt. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? I realize that many times I feel anxious and agitated I am simply lonely. I have people in my life. I have connections. I am safe. My basic needs are met. I find I am wrestling with this loneliness. I desire intimacy. I desire a connection which allows all of me, all my parts. I desire to share the pictures of beautiful things I find on my walks. I desire to share what moves me in the books I am reading. I desire that person who wants to tell me about their day. I desire physical intimacy based upon whole desire and not merely physical gratification.

Attention from others does not assuage this loneliness. I have tried and tested this. Connections that foster only one element of Destiny leave me feeling flat, often used, and less than my full self. I find I must accept the absence of others in my life because not any attention or flattery or fleeting encounter will make for a rich relationship. I must accept that here and now I operate without a companion.

I do not need a companion to be a valuable person. I do not need a companion to be worthy. I do not even need a companion to navigate this life. And yet, we are a social creature who desires and needs community to become and live as our best selves. How do I reconcile this desire for connection, intimacy, sexual gratification, and companionship with acceptance of my current position in life? How do I validate myself while honoring my desires? To want and desire are not challenges in themselves, but what do we do when we are absent what it is we desire?

There is a deep desire to been seen and understood, but this is not a guarantee of life – to be seen. Because of this, I feel, perhaps, I am too available. I am too amenable to connection that I forget to be conscientious and guard against those who wish only to take from me without reciprocation. I suppose the solution to be peace and acceptance of my current situation. I learn my value and I patiently wait.

ATTENTION

I have received many forms of attention.

I have known loyalty which held no passion.

I have been lusted without affection.

I have been found attractive,

            While not been attracted to.

There has been sex with plenty of desire, but no love.

People have used me to fill their own cup.

I’ve been known to seek solace in multiple drafts.

I’ve sampled relationships in numerous contexts.

These exchanges have been fleeting and self-consumptive.

I desire a slow love, one that knows dedication and hope.

A love that shows investment is worth it,

for Spring blossoms are on the way.

I intend to bear fruit for you,

But will you love all of me and protect me from harm?

Attention no longer feels good for me.

Steady love, passion, and security…

These are the nourishment I seek.

The fear is not likely that I am single today, but likely a fear that I will be single the remainder of my life. I must be honest about this. We must come to terms with the worst-case scenario and then move on. What is necessary for me to come to terms with being single and without a life companion?  That’s a big challenge. The next 50 years of my life is a long time. Perhaps I need only accept the now, not the indefinite. To be easy about this, I am easy about most things. What is mine will come. What is mine with stay. What is meant for me cannot be missed.

I understand that certain connections come into our lives for a season, for a lesson, for a limited time only. I struggle with this. I want to be more free flowing in my relationships. I want to have less expectations and a more open mind about those who come into and out of my life. I want to be secure in myself and my offering that I am comfortable with my contributions to relationship and negate the desire or need to convince others of my value. But, damn, do I want to be wanted; body, mind, and soul.