I’ve been relocated to Dad’s place since mid-May. I had knee surgery in Minnesota in February. I need to get a job. I need a source of income. I have unpaid debts which are in collection. Dad has been supporting the household, including my dispensary habit. My needs are met, but there is no resource for the fun things at present, and soon Dad’s relatively limited retirement will be depleted. I need income to pay my bills and subsist as much as I need to help Dad and at some point, be able to sustain myself.
This seems simple, obvious, but it is proving to be a challenge. Updating my resume is a burdensome task I haven’t been able to manage. I’ve worked a few part time jobs, most VERY temporary, over the years since leaving my former life behind. I find I am feeling somewhat depressed. I lack motivation, I lack inspiration. I did not realize the degree to which I had been exhausted, the degree to which forcing myself to make it happen day after day in the business, and the absence of tangible reward have left me feeling empty. I start over on the bottom rung and I have been climbing so long already.
The vast array of unresolved traumas and ignored hurts has led me on numerous voyages both fantastical and miserable. I had truly awakened and come out of the chrysalis as a new creature with no understanding of my new wings. I flapped and flapped and was carried away by many winds. I had new desires and curiosities to explore, and I also have layers of pain to unravel. As it turns out, I am nearing three years since I left my former spouse, business, life, animals, friends, resources, everything. I flew away and left it, and all I had ever known, and flew away.
All the challenges I have faced have contributed to my healing and growth. Still, I am loath to go get a part time job and all that entails. It drudges up so much pain and memories of futility. I have a difficult time “staying in my lane,” and am then given too many responsibilities to be considered remedial without control of outcomes. This challenges and disturbs me. I’m not entirely sure where all the hang-ups are. I know I value my time. I know stress at work or dealing with challenging customers and co-workers is challenging and draining. It takes a great deal of time to recover from long days that involve social interaction. I also fear needing to be someone else at work to be appealing or professional. This masking is exhausting, both physically and emotionally, as well as somewhat terrifying as I am usually guessing which presentation is best suited.
I suppose that brings me around to a point. I am continually asking myself what I want. What I want is some spending money. What I want is to avoid money anxiety. Likewise, I want to be supported. I want to make my house a home, I want to worship the manhood of my partner, I want to do things which bring me joy, and I want to be the partner upon whom not everything relies. I want to be the soft, feminine, nurturing version of myself, and I find that version of me best when I do not have to worry about the details of subsistence. I want to help, I want to support, I want my partner and I to be a united team who balance the strengths and weaknesses of one another.
Likely there is an age component to this. I find singleness feels differently during this time and at this age. My desires appear in conflict and that usually means I am irresolute. At this age, am I marketable as a woman who desires to be “taken care of?” I’m staring my 38th birthday in the face. I will not be birthing children. I come with the experience so of late despised. I want to do my part, but I’ve carried so much in previous relationships, I carried so much building the business, I want to be the weak one. I am not weak, but I desire a stronger partner. I want the supporting role. We build together, but I want to be led. Call me old fashioned. Say I am lazy. Perhaps I am learning what is important and what is not and although I require money to subsist and purchase things I require; it does not motivate me.
I find I am at this crossroads of necessity, desire, peace, and seeking the balance of these. It is often the simple things that prove the most challenging. What are the tasks I am willing to do in the exchange of my time for the currency of an employer? At what rate is a fair exchange for my time? At what point is income necessary over peace and happiness? What will happen to me when my Dad is no longer around? What future sacrifices are required? What is the next step, Destiny? What is the real hang-up within me? Where is the conflict within me? Usually, when I find myself at a place restless lethargy, I find I must simply take some action, make some movement. Momentum is hard to gather from stagnancy; any decision creates movement and aids in shaking out my stale energy.
I want to work on my attitude toward and about money. There is abundance in this universe and money flows upon energy like all other elements of this beautifully chaotic human existence. There is more reflection to be done upon this subject. I am so resistant to money in the traditional sense. Why is this?
Bet On Me
I’ve been told I’m fearless, but I’m scared every day.
When one wants to die, there is nothing left to lose.
The worst that may happen – life is taken from me.
I’ll die eventually, Fate has made sure.
I could drown my sorrows or test my luck.
Leaving mediocre for a chance payday.
I gambled on me for it was my life at stake,
Jumped on the pass line the very next roll.
There are highs and lows, still I’ve not picked up.
My fate is my own, no need to hedge.
Say what you will of my recklessness,
I’m playing the field with life I have left.
My odds still better than the hangman’s noose,
If I don’t roll, I will never know.
Snake eyes be damned, I’ll earn triple.
I am not fearless; I’ve simply placed faith in my Come bet.
I’ll take the gamble, I bet on me.
Scary as hell when the House keeps winning.
Still, I keep playing. I’ll crap out in Hell.
I’ll keep rolling until at death’s door.
I am not fearless, I am scared every day,
But life is a game I’ve chosen to play.
7 come 11, let’s do this, let’s go.
I win some, lose some, evolve along the way.
The Devil’s got some balls if he wants to wager with me,
For I only need win one in three.